A Brief Life Update (Before I Begin a New Project!)

A couple of weeks ago, I discerned a concerning regression in my mental health: I was struggling to fall asleep amid racing, obsessive thoughts, and during the day felt compelled to bounce from one task to the next without ever giving myself time to simply be. Anxieties about things over which I have no control–climate change; AI; traditional publishing–resurfaced, and my focus and creativity both tanked. An analysis of my recent habits revealed to me that I’d been spending more time on YouTube than usual–not an exorbitant amount, mind, but enough so that its effects were apparent and destructive. Determined to reclaim the mental quietude that has been my saving grace over the last tumultuous year, I’ve stopped consuming any kind of visual media, and consequently feel much calmer, happier, and more present.

This complete cessation may seem a bit extreme to some, but I’ve always been an obsessive person, the kind for whom moderation is a struggle. TV and social media, I’ve long identified, feed into this inherent obsessiveness, making self-regulation a challenge; it’s best to simply not engage at all. This has become especially the case in recent years, as my chronic illnesses have limited the amount of brain power I have on a given day. Just as with my physical energy, I need to reserve my mental energy for the things that actually matter and enhance my life, namely my writing projects and literature. Anything extraneous becomes background noise that impedes my ability to concentrate and create.

It’s not just media entertainment I’ve had to sacrifice as a result of my energy issues either; because pretty much everything I do tires me out in one way or another, I’ve had to become extremely selective and intentional with how I spend my time. Two outings a week–be they to the cat shelter, ping pong, PT, or dinner with friends–are about as much as I can handle without paying too steep a price. Though it can be challenging to turn down invitations, particularly as I’m trying to integrate with my new community and get to know people better, past experience has taught me the importance of honoring my limitations; if I push myself too hard, try to take on more than I’m able, I can all but guarantee a monotonous day or two in bed, encumbered by dizziness and fatigue. As I’ve joked to my parents, it’s a good thing I’m an introvert!

As much as I love my new community, being here has made the discrepancy between how I look–young, healthy, able-bodied–and feel–old, frail, sick–glaringly apparent. Most of the people I’ve met have been incredibly kind and accommodating, yet there’s no escaping the passing remarks about me being too young to have bad knees and memory issues, nor the presumption that I should be able to do everything that my parents are, and more. Despite my nonconfrontational nature, I’m becoming accustomed to correcting these misjudgments as well as challenging people’s erroneous notions about age and ability. I’m also getting quite good at explaining my disorders and the various ways in which they impact my life.

Speaking of, the changing weather has precipitated another pain flare, as it did in January when the temperature plummeted to single digits. Pills and PT continue to (frustratingly) exacerbate my symptoms–or create new ones–though postural awareness when I write, as well as an increased reliance on my left hand for tasks, has alleviated some of my neck and hand pain, and enabled me to write longhand for longer stretches of time. My stomach is as fussy as ever, continuing to tolerate only liquids and pitifully small meals (particularly when compared to the hearty portions of my very active parents and bodybuilder brother). I’ve also suffered worsening mass cell reactions to food and other substances, including a scary incident at a friend’s house during which my throat closed up after petting his dogs, and am awaiting approval from my PCP for an EpiPen.

On a brighter note, as long as I don’t overexert myself, I’ve been able to keep my POTS under control. I’m hopeful I can continue to mitigate my symptoms via hydration, salt, and pacing as the weather warms, so I don’t suffer a repeat of last summer. I have a new project I’m eager to dive into and would prefer not to be sidetracked too much by my erratic health. This is the first adult novel I’ll be attempting to write, as well as the first horror story, and although I’m a little nervous to be stepping outside my comfort zone, I’m far more excited to finally be putting this twisted idea–which I’ve privately chewed on for the last few years–to the page. But I may be quiet on here in the coming months while my novel is in progress; unlike in the past, it’s hard for me to bounce between various writing projects without disrupting my creative flow, and I want to ensure this one receives the time and attention it deserves.

Lastly, I’ve read some incredible novels since my “best books” post at the end of last year: I recently finished The Master and Margarita, which was brilliant and wickedly funny, and in February was blown away by Lonesome Dove and The Guns of August. Also worth mentioning are Butcher’s Crossing, a beautifully-written anti-western by the author of Stoner, and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters & Seymour: An Introduction, the last (but not least) of Salinger’s short story collections to grace my bookshelf. To quote Jo Walton’s Among Others, which I was enjoying until the author employed my ultimate pet peeve and threw in a horrendously hackneyed romance at the last minute, “There are some awful things in this world, but there are also some great books.”